Band
Howie Kaufman - Lead vocals
Howie started his professional musical career as a backup vocalist for easy-listening icon Leo Sayer. Leo asked him to leave the tour while they were passing through the Midwest, after Howie was falsely
accused of putting mayo instead of mustard on his corned beef on rye. Howie enjoys boogie-boarding, small-game taxidermy, and any TV show that involves doilies.
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Arch Alcantara - Lead guitar, vocals
Arch was a simple kid diving for tourists' pennies off the coast of Mindanao in the Philippines, when a short clip of him on the '70s proto–reality-TV show That's
Incredible caught the eye of producer Sid Kroft, known for such Saturday-morning kiddie Kabuki fare as H.R. Puff'n'Stuff and The Banana Splits. Kroft cast Arch as the lead in Slant Eye Spy as a sort of juvenile Charlie Chan; the show failed miserably and Arch languished in Hollywood unemployment
lines, usually losing roles to the "Waht's ah-happahnin', hot stuff?" guy in Sixteen Candles.
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John Fritzel - Keyboards, vocals
John was the first medically documented case of a man being born at the age of 32. Recalled by his mother as "one hell of an uncomfortable breast-feeder," he showed prodigious talent for the piano by the time he was, incredibly, only 37. Otherwise, John proved to be a bit of a late bloomer; his first words were not uttered until approximately 2:45 this afternoon: "Beer me."
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Morse Shankman - Bass, vocals
Morse was discovered in the African wild by simian researcher Jane Goodall. She taught him a limited vocabulary of hand signs with which to communicate his dim needs, three words of which happened to be "fender," "precision," and "bass." Unfortunately, Morse was so inept at signing that Goodall ended up buying him a case of Fresca instead. Frustrated, Morse punched Goodall in the kidneys and stormed off into the jungle brush. Goodall recalls thinking, "Man, that was one crabby motherf*cker."
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Chris Tomek - Drums, vocals
Chris enjoyed a brief career as a minor-league starting pitcher in Fargo, North Dakota. His string of ten straight no-hitters was a county-wide record, until someone realized that Fargo did not in fact have a minor-league team, nor did Chris actually pitch against anyone but the fence in his own back yard. Disgraced, he took two baseball bats and began a night-long drunken rampage throughout the town, bashing in garbage cans till he collapsed in a puddle of sweat and drool outside a bar, where a band was waiting for its usually late drummer. Chris was hired on the spot.
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Bob Remington - Guitar, vocals
Bob was a major porn star in Cambodia, which ranks last out of 82 countries around the world based on average male height. His status (and income) dropped dramatically when the market shifted from favoring expensively produced, shot-on-film adult movies to straight-to-download webcam quickies. Destitute and sapped of all dignity and self-respect, Bob followed the only path left that would accept his crushed and filthy soul: musician.